Realisation: You Can Do It All and More

Recap

At the start of your breakup, everything can feel overwhelming. There’s a lot to process, and on top of that, you have your children to care for. Your stress levels are high, your emotions are running wild, and you’re tired both mentally and physically. You may feel drained and as if it's all your fault and the end of the world.

It's important to know that these feelings are natural and normal. While it might not seem like it now, this intense period will pass within a few weeks. During this time, you’ll likely experience a roller coaster of ups and downs, but you’ll get through them.

Controlling Emotions

I’m naturally a stoic. I can control most feelings and thoughts quite easily, and I’ll teach you how to do it yourself, my downside is I ware my heart on my sleeve which can interfere at times. For instance, I can stop myself from breaking down in tears over the death of a loved one. It doesn’t mean I love them less; I can just control my thoughts in the moment of wanting to cry enough to not cry. When I was a kid, I used to get so excited on Christmas Eve that I couldn’t sleep. I learned that if I pretended it was a normal day, I could fall asleep easily. That was a turning point for me in understanding that I could control my thoughts on a deeper level than most.

The Shock of Separation

When my marriage ended, I was in shock. I honestly didn’t see it coming and thought that my ex-wife and I were strong enough to overcome anything and work together. Obviously, she had other plans and had even met someone new, which you would think made things harder, but it didn’t. Knowing that there was another person on the scene helped me process my thoughts a lot easier. I was able to separate my feelings for my ex-wife easier because, in this situation, there was no point in trying. I had no reason to try; all I could do was accept it and move on. Why get upset or angry? That's not going to change how she feels. There’s no point in showing how much you care if they have already checked out. If there was a small amount of love, then they wouldn’t have been able to meet someone else so quickly.

Setting New Goals

If you read my previous post about setting new goals and focusing on other areas, it helps change your mindset from being upset and thinking about your ex to thinking about new things you need to learn or work on.

Understanding Stoicism

Stoicism is about replacing one feeling with another by identifying triggers in the moment and then working on other triggers to shift your mindset. I've processed emotions like this for years, allowing me to control my thoughts even mid-conversation. Here’s an interesting fact: you never need to feel sad again. The feeling of sadness is environmental and hardwired into us based on our upbringing. Something is only sad if you think it's sad. If you don’t let yourself process a situation as sad, then you won’t feel it again. The same applies to all other feelings. If you weren’t brought up with sadness in your life, you wouldn’t know what it was or how to express it.

To elaborate, imagine a scenario where you receive disappointing news. Instead of allowing that disappointment to turn into sadness, you can choose to view it from a different perspective, perhaps as a learning opportunity or a chance to grow. This mental shift can prevent the onset of sadness, and even give you something to work and improve on.

Additionally, stoicism involves recognising that our emotions are often responses to external events, but we have the power to control how we respond. By practising mindfulness and self-awareness, you can train yourself to intercept negative events before they take hold and replace them with more constructive feelings and processes.

When you break up with someone, your mind might drift to wondering what they are doing, leading to a spiral of missing them and questioning why it ended. One of the main things you need to learn is to catch yourself when you start to think like this and quickly shift your thoughts. For me, remembering that they aren't bothering to message me, are keeping their distance deliberately, have changed their lifestyle, and are referring to the last few years negatively helps me move from missing them to acceptance.

One of the phrases I used was, “I’ve accepted it and am at peace with it.” By consistently changing your mindset and controlling how you process your feelings and events, you will reach a point where you can manage everything well enough to feel at peace and okay with the situation.

Moving Forward

Moving forward is about recognising that your emotional responses can be managed and redirected. I will share specific real-life examples on how to process your thoughts, help you understand that societal norms don’t have to dictate your reactions, and teach you how to transform one feeling into another. It may sound complicated, but with practice, it becomes second nature.

Reflecting and Realising

As you progress on your journey, you will find moments of reflection. Some of these reflections, like those I discussed in my post about adapting to being a single parent, will have their ups and downs. For me, this period of adjustment lasted about two weeks.

One day, you will reflect and realise that you have done it. You have built a new routine for yourself and your children, you have got through the hardest times, you are better at controlling your thoughts and feelings, you have set new goals and are steadily working through them, and you feel like you have a life instead of just getting through each day. Then you’ll get that feeling, that realisation, that you can do it all and more because you have.

You will start to feel stronger, a better person than before, mentally stronger, more prepared, and ready for the next chapter.

What is the next chapter?